My whole night crashes on me in the early hours of today. Following a talk with her in the car. Seeing her cry and the things that I do make her cry, I feel not worthy of myself, sad with pitifulness of myself on the situation. The wordings of "My business" or "Your business" is causing me pain and self inflicting sadness. The holidays is also causing troubles of not able to travel because of peak fares. But what can I do when she can only take a combine leave is during a holiday so that she won't spend enough all her leave. From now onwards, I have to be very caution on the words that came out of my mouth.
Follow that, when I reach home, my parents were not asleep. My father the worried one, lie on the sofa reading a magazine. He gave a huge sigh suddenly which shocked me, making me think that something terrible wrong has happened. He always think one of this day when I'm riding outside, something is going to happen to me. My mom say he can't sleep when I came home late. I noticed that this always happened when somebody died in an road accident and is reported killed. I'm sick and tried of this. My parents of all people just don't understand me. They keep thinking I'm like a dare devil racer or something, not cherishing my life at all and I go out at night and race. I'm utterly disappointed with them. I think is time for me to moved out and be independent for myself. In fact I did not ride tonight, because my Vespa couldn't start. And further more I seldom ride in rainy weather. I do cherished my own life, they don't have to remind me of that.
After living with my parents for my entire life, I'm sick and tired of their every day worries. Because they do not understand me at all. How I have grown up and be very independent of myself. They don't understand why I went backpacking for four months to suffer. They don't understand why I don't want to find a regular job but instead I need to start a business of my own. They don't understand about the feeling of riding a bike, but only the stigma that is attached to it. My paranoia father is driving me crazy with sadness.
All I want is to live in peace and be able to do things I wanted to do. Is that so hard to understand ? If push come to shove one day, I might just pack my bag and called it a day. A day I hope not to see.
Sunday, December 24, 2006
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
She
I was very proud and happy when She pass her riding test. She has finally achieve her long time dream. It was perfect, an almost perfect day before everything crumbles down like sandcastle on a high tide. She lost her cool with the money changer and releases all onto me. I felt crap, disappointed and sad. This is not the first time. This is one of her many outburst where she can't control. The rushing, the cramping of every to-do-thing in one go, the impatient-ness, is part and parcel of her daily life. No time to stop and smell the flowers. An almost perfect human being living in a imperfect world.
Imperfection is everywhere, living and surrounding us. We live in an imperfect world where there is a red light stop whenever you are rushing, a heavy downpour when you wanted to go for a run, planning to watch a favourite movie when all seats are sold out, a imperfect day when the rude hawker dampens it, the list goes so long that even this blog can't handle. The truth is, we cannot expect everything to run smoothly or without problems. The world is full of problems, and that is a real fact and reality.
How should I describe ? Its like a vitamin supplement that you only take when you need it and when its unnecessary you throw it aside or sometimes even forget about it. That is how I felt. How would you feel if every now and then somebody just release their outburst onto you? Naturally you will ask yourself question ? Why is this happening ? Is the threshold of tolerance over the limit ? Can I still take one more punch in the ring? Is it just Her? Every human being experience wear and tear as well, and become very weary and torn in times such as these.
It is about understanding. Understanding yourself ? and understanding your partner. She mention every time to me that, why I don't understand her? but did she try and understand herself in the first place? Why she got an uncontrollable anger ? and why ? and how it affects the people around her ? If she truly understand herself, the outburst wouldn't have occur, because She would have understand the repercussion of what will happen if she simply let off the outburst. So did she think 10 steps in front this time ?
Please help you to help me. I am trying my best dearie.
The journey that we are undertaking to Europe is full of imperfection. We will meet with unexpected situations and maybe experience we never thought we will meet and surely, experience that will dampens our spirits. What if we were to meet another slow money changer in Russia when our train is about to leave? Another outburst? Surely it will destroy the true meaning of this journey of why we set out to do and us.
I hope that She will understand why I wrote this entry. Its one of my way of expressing to her so that she can understand how I feel sometimes. This is what the blog was created in the first place. A place of expression and understanding for both of us.
I Love you dearie. . . . . .
Imperfection is everywhere, living and surrounding us. We live in an imperfect world where there is a red light stop whenever you are rushing, a heavy downpour when you wanted to go for a run, planning to watch a favourite movie when all seats are sold out, a imperfect day when the rude hawker dampens it, the list goes so long that even this blog can't handle. The truth is, we cannot expect everything to run smoothly or without problems. The world is full of problems, and that is a real fact and reality.
How should I describe ? Its like a vitamin supplement that you only take when you need it and when its unnecessary you throw it aside or sometimes even forget about it. That is how I felt. How would you feel if every now and then somebody just release their outburst onto you? Naturally you will ask yourself question ? Why is this happening ? Is the threshold of tolerance over the limit ? Can I still take one more punch in the ring? Is it just Her? Every human being experience wear and tear as well, and become very weary and torn in times such as these.
It is about understanding. Understanding yourself ? and understanding your partner. She mention every time to me that, why I don't understand her? but did she try and understand herself in the first place? Why she got an uncontrollable anger ? and why ? and how it affects the people around her ? If she truly understand herself, the outburst wouldn't have occur, because She would have understand the repercussion of what will happen if she simply let off the outburst. So did she think 10 steps in front this time ?
Please help you to help me. I am trying my best dearie.
The journey that we are undertaking to Europe is full of imperfection. We will meet with unexpected situations and maybe experience we never thought we will meet and surely, experience that will dampens our spirits. What if we were to meet another slow money changer in Russia when our train is about to leave? Another outburst? Surely it will destroy the true meaning of this journey of why we set out to do and us.
I hope that She will understand why I wrote this entry. Its one of my way of expressing to her so that she can understand how I feel sometimes. This is what the blog was created in the first place. A place of expression and understanding for both of us.
I Love you dearie. . . . . .
The Standard Charted Marathon
One word - Pain. Its all about Pain.
But please understand that I'm not a crazy person seeking pain. It is about understanding yourself, your body, your well-being and ultimately - your life. Its official for me that I finished the half marathon in three hours. Not the ideal finishing time but I'm still glad I made it through the finishing line. Because of my poor preparation in managing my diet, training and pre-stretching towards race day, I ended up acquiring an injury and a poor finishing. I truly deserve it as I show no respect for the route and the pain my body have to endure.
My last 5 km was the most difficult and enlightening. Every thumping step I took with every heart beat, I could feel the road (the friend) and my whole leg! I have never felt more alive with the pain. It increase my awareness physically that my heel and knee-caps are enduring 64kg of my weight each time I pound. With the sweat dripping all over my body, aches and pain screaming throughout my body. It is all about pain I say. It make you realize you're human, a person capable to love, to hate and to forgive, And a person capable of doing a million other things as well - such as finishing the race. Impossible is nothing, that I agree with Adidas.
My next goal will be the real marathon, the marathon of 42,000 steps. The journey of how I'm going to reach there is in question. But you see it is not even a question when you have strong believes in yourself that you can make it. Your heart your mind your soul your determination and your friend (road) will conspire with you to achieve what you are set out to do. Impossible is nothing, that I agree with Adidas.
Till the next race, we will be in touch.
But please understand that I'm not a crazy person seeking pain. It is about understanding yourself, your body, your well-being and ultimately - your life. Its official for me that I finished the half marathon in three hours. Not the ideal finishing time but I'm still glad I made it through the finishing line. Because of my poor preparation in managing my diet, training and pre-stretching towards race day, I ended up acquiring an injury and a poor finishing. I truly deserve it as I show no respect for the route and the pain my body have to endure.
My last 5 km was the most difficult and enlightening. Every thumping step I took with every heart beat, I could feel the road (the friend) and my whole leg! I have never felt more alive with the pain. It increase my awareness physically that my heel and knee-caps are enduring 64kg of my weight each time I pound. With the sweat dripping all over my body, aches and pain screaming throughout my body. It is all about pain I say. It make you realize you're human, a person capable to love, to hate and to forgive, And a person capable of doing a million other things as well - such as finishing the race. Impossible is nothing, that I agree with Adidas.
My next goal will be the real marathon, the marathon of 42,000 steps. The journey of how I'm going to reach there is in question. But you see it is not even a question when you have strong believes in yourself that you can make it. Your heart your mind your soul your determination and your friend (road) will conspire with you to achieve what you are set out to do. Impossible is nothing, that I agree with Adidas.
Till the next race, we will be in touch.
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